a quick life update:
 

• our older son is teaching at two different art schools in southern california, gnomon school of visual effects and laguna college of art + design


 

• our younger son is currently in japan, skiing with friends after sightseeing in tokyo


 

• a truck slid on the ice in front of our home and totaled our parked car


 

• i liberally (over)applied a nighttime face cream with retinol that burned my skin and caused a stye to form in my left eye [no photo 😀 ]

 

• 3.3 earthquake 6 miles from wallace, not very big but very close, rocked-and-rumbled the pink house a bit
  
   
• and save the dates 11-16 may 2025 = THE ARRIVAL #7, the finale in italy!

 
 
never
  ending
never
  understood
never
  peace
 
 
fighting
  to be
    free . . .
 
 
unrivaled.
 
 
stuck
spikes
swirls
set points

repeat.
 
 
out of the loop

dismissed
diminished
detached
 
 
the aches
the pains
but still
the dreams
the hopes
 
 

 
 
the moon
cold and full
looms over
my decision
to silently
withdraw
until epiphanies
are no longer
muffled like
solid rock
 
 
to be
effervescent
again
to be
clever
again
to be admired
again
to be
april
again
 
 
blocks
trampling
their way
through
openings
green
fresh
inviting
 
 
creative
strength
training
inside
underneath
hidden
difficult
 
 
unraveled.

for the past ten days, i’ve been immersed in a very interesting creative practice, taking a journey deep into my body’s spontaneous wisdom. as part of a year-long course i am enrolled in, i was invited to “meditate upon the poetry of my mysterious inner life.”

each day, i set aside a few minutes to quickly pull from a magazine an image that attracted me, a picture that produced a strong emotional charge (even if i didn’t fully understand why at the time).

 
 
TAPESTRY . . . weaving
the layers of my life

i thought they would come
together in the form of
storytelling this year

but so far 2024 has had
something else in mind
for me and i’m still
unraveling the “why”s and
the lessons behind them

an intense and daily
headache for six months
one continuous and invasive
throbbing that stole away
many precious moments

i felt myself fading into
the background, worrying
about the-worst-it-could-be

and just like that, now
it’s gone – an MRI with no
conclusive findings, likely
my maxillary sinus perforated,
a dental visit gone awry

VIBE .

it’s the smallest things. it’s the way she always uses my mom’s chair on the pink house porch to leave me tokens of affection. the way my orange pen glides across the page so smoothly and with such vivid color (and can be erased too – gone, just like that).

i posted this picture of myself a week ago, with the hashtag nature girl 2024.

i have never wanted to go backpacking. and i don’t camp out. in fact, as an adult, i’d rather be inside (anywhere) than outside.

i always thought this meant i wasn’t fully appreciating or embracing nature, so i set out this year to do more things outdoors, to pay more attention to the natural world.

meanwhile the world goes on . . . but how can it? when your own personal world is collapsing, falling apart, seeming to end. another cappuccino sold on the street from that cute little coffee cart, another warning given to a speeding car on the freeway (where was he going in such a hurry?).

with TAPESTRY as my word of the year, i’ve been experimenting with piecing together the loose threads and interlaced knots that colorfully illustrate and express my existence. and thus far i’ve found myself in places i hadn’t imagined going.

i’d also added a secondary auxiliary word to the mix for 2024 .

in the span of one month (exactly 30 days)
i’ve attended two weddings and a funeral

the first was my nephew’s wedding
officiated by his uncle, my brother
a lively and lavish affair in florida
which included many fascinating components
of a traditional hindu bridal ceremony

the second was the intimate wedding
of the daughter of one of my best friends
also officiated by an uncle
and punctuated by lovely vows
for her adorable new stepdaughter

though the funeral was difficult
a vibrant young woman, only 34 years old
much too young to be saying her goodbyes
an amazingly moving tribute penetrated the
excruciating sadness of the standing-room-only crowd

i once babysat her mom and her aunt
and consider them my little sisters
sometimes the circle of life seems skewed

this service included rituals from
the young woman’s native american roots
the hauntingly beautiful drum-and-song solo
still reverberating on in my heart

so it was a bit of an event whirlwind
and i was grateful to be present at all three

but one thing i noticed with surprise
in different ways at each
was how, at certain moments
i felt somewhat removed, even
separate from what was happening

as a spectator, i’d taken a step back
and almost felt as if i might be
infringing upon the sacredness within
a trespass on the very private joy and grief

it’s kept me thinking about the
concept of ceremony ever since

what does ceremony mean to us as humans?

 
 
How many times have you done what’s expected (or accepted)? Sacrificed your own wants and needs in order to stay safe, to avoid standing out, to take care of everyone but yourself? How many times have you surrendered your own authenticity?

announcing my next essence7 retreat-no-more experience:

THE ARRIVAL #6

SAVE THE DATE

SUNDAY, MAY 19 through FRIDAY, MAY 24

2024

and begin planning YOUR unique transformation!

 
 
oh, is it ever enchanting . . .
 
 
the distilled-down exploration and discussion of THE ARRIVAL’s 7 essential elements (the elements that form the very core of my own personal philosophy) .

so far it’s been a fairly gloomy january. no snow. cold and gray in wallace.

i’ve been easing into the new year, adding a couple of new items into my routine, and rededicating myself to a few previous ones.

things kind of went askew last year after i broke my wrist at the end of march.

well, here we are at the ❄️winter solstice❄️

there has been a lot going on throughout my days, a true hodgepodge of recent events several christmas-related parades and programs and open houses, meetups with special friends, painting, shopping, decorating, cleaning/prepping the pink house for our holiday guests.

sometimes visitors to the villa are surprised by the constant and obvious sounds of traffic on autostrada A15, the motorway that is close by.

sometimes surprised and actually bothered, since they had this romantic “under the tuscan sun” image of my italian villa – set apart from any distractions, a quiet oasis.

because of good friends
who truly love us
like family

we will be headed
over the river and
through the woods

to a wonderfully
warm and cozy
thanksgiving feast

hope you will be
feeling the hygge
as well today

 
 
 
 

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sometimes there are things
we wish we could do
we really want to do

but we don’t do
because

we’re scared
we’re tired
we don’t have the time

we’re too old
we’re too young
we don’t have the energy

we lack confidence
we lack guts
we don’t have the faith

or maybe it’s just that
we’re not sure how
others will react

today imagine
DOING THE THING

ask yourself
what would happen if .

so much to think about today.

life can be hard.
and complicated.
 
 
 
 

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3.5.12

feeling unsettled

i just don’t quite have a grasp on life right now

too many details to pull into one cohesive whole

*

9.16.14

everything in moderation, including moderation.

*

3.27.16

shallow breathing, shallow life?

breathe in consciously and deeply.

 
 
hi, i’m april, your retreat guide. i am certified as a holistic life coach, a wellness coach, a mindful eating coach, and a food psychology coach. i also have bachelor’s degrees in both business and psychology, and a master’s degree in mental health counseling.

 
 
do you always do what’s
expected or accepted?
do you sacrifice your own needs
in order to stay safe
to avoid standing out
to take care of everyone but yourself?

how many times have
you surrendered
your own authenticity?

at sixty-years-plus-two-months of age, various random musings keep floating through my head. here are a few:
 

 

 
 
 
 

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the truth is one
completes the other
though it can be
easy to lose track

sometimes it feels like
that song skinny love
just trying to last
through the fragile eras

the moments slipping
by untouched and
unnoticed, unable
to be retrieved

taken for granted
slighted or aggrieved
no one ever as perfect
as the other needs

both just trying to
live those best lives
day by day

always reaching for
the stars, not often
left disappointed

but once in a while
a bit scraped up
metaphorically bruised

goodbyes and regrets
hellos and promises
enduring, enriching

fighting for that
individual voice
but also striving
to mesh as well

passport stamps
strawberries & cream
living united
living free
 
 
 
 

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ups and downs
entrances and exits
arrivals and departures

sometimes life feels like a hurricane
difficult days
sad emotional days
momentous wonderful days too

but wherever there is motion
there is momentum
and we can always begin again

to recapture our energy
to realign with our rhythm
to concentrate on feeling whole again

of course there will be obstacles
things that get in the way

we must cut ourselves some slack
when the “to do” list
doesn’t line up exactly with the “done” list

because beating ourselves up
for not being perfect
ultimately defeats
the entire purpose of living

we know there will be those days
days when we’re sick or tired or injured
days when we’re feeling really down

so we must try our hardest
to avoid rigidity
and welcome flexibility
to make adjustments
when and where we can

to go gently
to not make excuses
to just notice and forgive
adjust and restart

to absolutely stop watching
the highway of life pass us by
and jump into the car with
the smoothest ride

ups and downs
entrances and exits
arrivals and departures

me, masked
sestri levante, italy
8 july 2020

it’s been a
wild and wacky entrance

late snowfalls
cool temperatures
even a broken wrist

but spring has finally sprung
at my north idaho haven

the tulips at the pink house
bringing a drop of loveliness and
a promise of hope with each bloom

 
 
 
 

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one month ago, left arm intact

 
 
after the fall with my new twisted wrist

 
 
heading into surgery, dreaded IV inserted

 
 
two weeks post-op with a hardware assist

 
 
it’s been quite a month
not really what i’d planned

but today i’m turning sixty
celebrating who i am
 
 
 
 

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as we all
know, but
as we all
must be reminded,
sometimes life
throws us a curveball

my latest ball was
hurled at me
at 77 mph
three days ago

a broken wrist
and suddenly
broken plans
broken ways
of doing things
too

the first thing
i said to my husband
when he suggested
going to the ER was
“but i haven’t
brushed my teeth!”

because this is not the
neat tidy way things
should unfold, this was
never on my schedule

until monday i was
on a roll dancing,
practicing qigong,
and using my bosu ball
daily, every day since
january one, not now

and for months i’ve had a
trip to missoula planned
with my two lifelong besties
for this upcoming weekend
now they will laugh and talk
into the night without me

life is not perfect
life is not predictable
we cannot control events
we cannot grasp too tightly

curveballs catch us unaware
we don’t know where the pitch
might land, so
flexibility is crucial
we must be ready to bat
we must be ready to adapt

 
 
NOTE: “a typical curveball in the major collegiate level and above will average between 65 and 80 mph, with the average MLB curve at 77 mph” since 7 is my favorite number, i went with the average 🙂
 
 
 
 

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today i read an article about some of the greatest lyrics from one-hit wonders over the last few decades. and then i listened to a few of the songs on the list.

there were so many that i’ve loved, that have touched me in a myriad of ways through the years.

have you ever really listened to the
constant stories you tell yourself?
do they help propel you forward,
or do they merely hold you back?

sometimes the stories in our minds
don’t allow us to be the strong
creative individuals we know we can be

sometimes what we say to ourselves
both limits and traps us

negative self-talk
self-defeating beliefs
obsessive thoughts
all can seriously sabotage one’s life

when you begin the process of reconnecting
with your authentic and original voice
one critical question tends to emerge

are the thoughts and beliefs you’ve
held for so long even your own?

when it snowed heavily earlier this week
i labeled it “another layer of winter”

the new chill reminded me why i always
dress in layers during this cold season

and it made me think about layers
in general, things that cover up other things
thicknesses added on top of each other

layers in my abstract art exploration
layers in a majestic mountain scene
layers in a spoken narration

not just physical layers
but also mental layers
energetic layers too

and then i came across this quote

“there’s something beautiful about how, as life goes on, it continues to layer itself.

her balance was off
she could feel it in every
cell of her body
physically, mentally, emotionally

how she longed for a
return to homeostasis
everything neatly in tune
flowing smoothly once again

and yet she knew she had
a great deal of work to do
before that could become a reality

habits to revamp
infirmities to resolve
resentment to shed
sorrow to dissipate

she thought about what it would take
to achieve that level of equilibrium
the idea alone overwhelmed
and exhausted her

she decided to plan a sojourn
a solo trip to a cottage near the ocean
perhaps a cabin in the woods

to listen to her needs
to align herself with her truth
to remember and celebrate
her unique essence

to assess the situation as
objectively as possible
to write, to read
to think, to feel

to reacquaint herself with self
and to remember who she was
what she stood for

 
 
*******
 
 
this post was adapted from
a 7-minute freewrite i did
using a paint chip prompt

my color “equilibrium”

 
 
 
 

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abstract thoughts

spiraling

swirling

twirling

but sometimes leaving meaning

a bit smudged
 
 
 
 

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well, it’s that season again
when i think about creating
my vision board for the new year

though i am still a bit unsure
about all i’d like to focus on
and accomplish in 2023

and i haven’t yet picked
my word of the year or even
narrowed down my choices

i’m letting january be my muse
seeing what fresh avenues this first
month of the year will walk me down

i’ve created several vision boards
through the years and have written about
them on seven different occasions

if you’re interested in making your own
vision board and would like a look
at my personal process, here you go:

1. imagine.

winter solstice
 
 
the shortest day, the longest night
a time of deep stillness

to celebrate, i engaged in
some focused self-reflection

the question i found most helpful:
“what did you let go of this year?”

•twenty-five pounds
that seemed to come out of nowhere
that were affecting my physical health

•emotional burdens
that i could never control and no longer carry
that were affecting my mental health

i feel more in alignment now
with the season
and with myself
 
 
what did you let go of in 2022?

my mood?

happy, alternating with sad.

i’ve been gauging my emotional level for the past week on a chart in one of my journals. i am always aware of, in tune with, my feelings. it’s just something i do. but i’ve never rated them with weather symbols before!

 
 
our sons will be here today
one from los angeles, one from seattle

|
|
|

they’ll join us in north idaho
for the thanksgiving holiday

|
|
|

all four of us together again
after almost eleven months

|
|
|

it will be wonderful
that is all ❤️
 
 

 
 
 
 

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“every now and then
the darkness tries to chase me
and my legs are getting tired of running
oh please don’t
please don’t let it get to me
oh i don’t want to give up that easily
but the darkness keeps chasing me”

~grace vanderwaal
 
 

 
 
unraveling, stitching, weaving
original vibrant colors and unique intricate patterns

i’m feeling very lavendery
a subtle mix of melancholy blues and fiery reds
angsty sadness with a touch of anger
and a ribbon of hope stirred in

upheaval and evolution are both synonyms
for the word transition
though the first sounds a bit intimidating
the second clearly holds a hint of promise

inhale courage
exhale fear
inhale serenity
exhale confusion

dreams, shifts, passages
boldness, growth, new ways of thinking
continuous fresh-start beginnings
stirring motivation and brave possibilities

real strength comes in many forms, we are
surrounded daily with its swirling beauty
 
 

 
 
 
 

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the photo below features two special anniversary champagne flutes:

one still has the peach and cream ribbons from our 1988 wedding tied around the stem, and the other is from our first anniversary. no, they’re not a matching pair. because there is a funny story, that evolved into a valuable lesson, behind these two cherished glasses.

leaving italy november 2020

there are many in italy
throughout the european continent
and going through one
becomes a commonplace event
when traveling anywhere

i think they’re interesting
even strikingly beautiful at times

they remind me of spy novels
and they make the best photos

i don’t always love being inside a tunnel though
especially when it’s miles long

oh, it’s not horrible, not impossible, to be in there
and the darkness offers a unique perspective
but it can be slightly uncomfortable

emerging out the other side
back into the bright sunshine
always seems to elicit a silent sigh of relief

a tunnel is such a metaphor for life

leaving your past, heading towards your future
a symbol of the paths you might take
and the challenges you might encounter along the way

moving through darkness
pushing through obstacles
beginnings and endings
with light and hope, reassurance, waiting just beyond

evolving over the course of your journey
your very own metamorphosis story
 
 

my return to italy september 2022

today i’d like to share a poem that i wrote four years ago, in august 2018, when i was facing down my dark side . . . i was struggling a bit with loneliness, which was spilling over into questioning the entire trajectory of the path i was on.

le maestose alpi apuane, from sunrise to sunset

i long to take the perfect snapshot of the apuan alps and embed the image upon my very soul

so that, no matter where in the world i may be, i can reach out and grab that centered peaceful feeling they give me

housing the white gold of carrara, their majestic marbly perfection makes me feel both calmingly grounded and wildly alive

stunning and magical, panoramic and historic, interesting and wise

the awe-inspiring scene before me ever-changing, never static

yet a hushed reverence for solidity

such an apt metaphor for life

i’ve missed these mountains so very much

 
 
 
 

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finding our way back . . .
 
 

 
 
~ and reconnecting ~
 
 

 
 
still lots to sort out
 
 

 
 
 
 

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we think we know
but we don’t

why that guy
cut us off in traffic

why the waitress at our favorite lunch spot
was snippy with us today

why that young woman
is crying in target

we think we know
but we don’t

why the lady in gray
purses her lips in disapproval

why that little boy
rarely wears shoes

why the grocery store checker
never seems to smile

we think we know
but we don’t

we say “oh he’s just a jerk”
or we imagine she’s being abused
neither might be right
yet both may be true

we think we know
but we don’t

assumptions
conjectures
speculations

sometimes helpful
sometimes dangerous

we think we know
but we don’t
 
 
 
 

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we just need to begin.

wherever there is motion,
there is momentum,
and we can easily begin the process.

of course, there will be obstacles,
things that get in the way of
our wheels turning efficiently.

simply be aware.
notice and adjust.

peace. love. joy.

are we promised these in life?

my mind wanders to instances of opposites.

strife where peace is longed for. hatred in place of love. sadness occurring for so many reasons, instead of the joy we all crave (and deserve).

during my fourth year in italy
i suddenly noticed i wasn’t
feeling the feelings
in the same way i always had

i wrote about it in several
july 2020 diary entries
that i’ve been rereading
and would like to revisit here

emotional expression has always been
super intense for me
a huge part of my personality

and suddenly it seemed blunted
i just felt numb
much of the time

i wasn’t really feeling anger
or excitement or anything
to the extent i used to

(except maybe fear
that one was most dominant)
anyway, i hated it

i am april
and i emote
this was not me

like some paper doll existence
a facsimile of my real essence

i wondered as i wrote
how i would ever get my mojo back
and truly enjoy living again

i continued to question myself
in the months to come
in the pages of my journal

what i really wanted
what i really needed
constantly in my mind

was italy the best place for me?

sometimes we know what we wish we could hear
the words that would confirm what’s in our hearts
yet sometimes those reassurances just aren’t there
and we have to figure life out without them

sometimes it makes us stronger
sometimes it makes us bolder
but we often let it crush us
allow it to make us feel less than

these are the times we fear
the times we dread
the times we go to all ends
to try and avoid

we can’t run though
challenges have a way of trickling through
the best part?

since i’ve been under the weather
and since the weather itself
has been wildly fluctuating
and since my life is feeling a bit wild too

this week i’ve decided to resurrect
an old blog post from january 2015
asking what i think is a very important question
that we should try to answer from time to time
 
 
“the most common despair is not choosing, or willing, to be oneself.

for the past five years, i’ve enjoyed facilitating a women’s group on facebook. at the beginning of each week, i pose a monday musings question for the members to ponder and discuss. this week i asked the following question
 
 

“are you comfortable in your own skin?”

 
 
someone in the group said she assumed that i was referring to body image.

four years ago, in april 2018, i wrote a blog post entitled awaken. move. nourish. it was all about how not only my mind and soul, but also my actual physical body, reacted to my international move.
 
 

 
 
over the last 18 months, since i relocated to another continent, i’ve gone through quite an upheaval.

you may have noticed that my studio notes are a bit late today. here’s why . . .
 
 
we’ve been moving out of winterchase

 
 
and into the pink house

 
 
i’ve moved many times throughout my adult life, short distances and long, even to a different country.

and the time has come once again to pack up and move. this time just 10 miles up the road, to the pink house in wallace. yes, we’re finally doing it (although we’ve picked the week with the worst weather). several crucial items are already gone, including our very comfortable bed and the washer & dryer my dad bought us years ago.

so today i’d like to tell you a story about a very special gift (some of you may have read my facebook post about it several months ago).

our italian home, villa magnolia, had one previous owner, a doctor. our new residence in wallace idaho, the pink house/aka mccarthy house/aka the dire house, was owned the last 55 years by a doctor.

i’ve been thinking a lot lately
about how others see me
how i come across
and if it’s at all similar
to how i see myself

who do they think i am?
what do they think i can do?
when do they think i feel strong, feel weak?

frightening words
slicing through our
daily routines

drink coffee
shower
invasion
 
 
evoking agitation, anxiety
an unsettled feeling
in our souls

work
buy groceries
conflict
 
 
heart-wrenching images
of people and pets
their new beds in the subway

walk
drive
missiles
 
 
surreal to us, like a movie
but a sad harsh reality
for ukrainians

scroll up and down
comment
destruction
 
 
we watch the news
we feel the fear
we wish for peace

hug
cry
war
 
 
a former comedian who stays
and fights for his country
leadership that impresses

eat
sleep
bravery
 
 
fallen buildings
fleeing citizens
rising casualties
(a word that never seemed right)

we worry
we wait
we wonder
 
 

 
 
 
 

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as some of you noticed, i didn’t publish my studio notes for a long time. not for eleven months, almost a year. i didn’t do much journaling during that time either. it wasn’t that i had nothing to write about. oh no, plenty going on, still is.

stepping into the unknown
constantly, continuously
optimism, then despair
forward, back, forward, back
transparencies, complexities
assurances, uncertainties

there’s no sugarcoating it
life feels pretty damn demanding at times
we have difficult decisions to make
unpleasant obstacles to face
challenging roads ahead of us

sometimes there is no quick fix to our troubles
anxiety, fear, and shame constant companions
the best we can do is try to make
wise decisions along the way
believe that each and every moment
we can choose
to go a different direction
to follow an alternate path

are we strong enough
brave enough
gutsy enough?

i have wanted a pink house since my oldest son was two years old. that was in 1995.

it was the summer, almost 27 years ago, that our young family was moving from seattle washington to anchorage alaska. we were planning to paint our newly-purchased home when we arrived.

hi. remember me?

i know it’s been a long long while since i sent out my studio notes. and a lot has happened, to each of us, in the meantime. i promise i’ll fill you in about my last 11 months in an upcoming blog post (i have a new year’s resolution to stay more consistent).

i like to talk about how i feel. the good, the bad, the meh times. when i discuss feeling confused or anxious, depressed or frightened, bewildered or angry, disappointed, sad, even despairing . . . i’m not looking for a solution.

“but that’s life. one long tunnel. there are lights along the way. sometimes they feel spread farther apart than others, but they’re there. and when you find one, it’s okay to stand under it for a while to catch your breath before marching back into the dark.”

~shaun david hutchinson

’nuff said.

i haven’t checked in here for a few weeks. i guess life has kept me otherwise occupied . . .

 
 
•i’d planned to write a blog post last week. but then i discovered that all of the links to my website were suddenly broken.

though i’m finally losing the bruising from my fall, it’s still hard to bite down and chew. and over the past week, i’ve also been engaged in an epic battle with my sinuses (which, by the way, they are currently winning).

 
 
last week i found myself lost in yet another dazzling italian city . . .

its gritty charm and splendor
deeply layered
its cultural soul revealing
the spirit of arrivals and departures

founded in the 4th century bc
independent maritime republic 1005 to 1797
famous foods, famous citizens
fierce ingenuity, hard-earned elegance

for centuries a city of
shipbuilders, merchants, and bankers
medieval, renaissance, baroque, and gothic
art and architecture
a very important mediterranean seaport

my own italian grandmother
departed from this port in 1929
20 years old and leaving her native country behind
journeying to a new continent
with her new american husband

heavily targeted during world war 2
many buildings destroyed or damaged
the first northern italian city to rise
against nazis and fascists

meandering along the famed caruggi
a tangled labyrinth of narrow alleyways
the wandering-and-wondering discovery of
what’s waiting around the next fascinating bend
 
 
a glimpse of G E N O A .

yesterday, in bologna italy, i experienced the enchanting strength only a vibrant city on a dazzling summer day can bring . . . and also a sudden and startling shift in perspective, forged even stronger following the recent coronavirus lockdown. truly a touch of bliss.

i thought about not sharing any more entries from my (extensive) pandemic diary, but then i realized “hey, this is life in 2020” . . . for me, it seems crucial to remember the details of this highly unusual year, to honor what we’ve gone through and where we are at present.

july 18 (from my facebook post, rhythm realignment / day 13):

the attics of my soul . . .

ironically both houses closed this week. my dad’s on monday, my grandpa’s on tuesday. and now to reconcile with the closing of this chapter.

july 6 (rhythm realignment / day 1):

though it is still closed to americans (a decision i agree with even if it means i am unable to see my sons), italy is looking and feeling more unlocked every day. there are still cautionary measures in place, of course.

june 24 (from my facebook post, the unlocking of italy ?? / day 52 ):

yes, i’m still counting the days. first of the strict lockdown (55), and now of what i call the unlocking (already another 52).

those who know me well know i just love to count things (haha).

june 8 (from my facebook post, the unlocking of italy ?? / day 36 ):

i’ve been watching events unfold in the u.s. from my vantage point in europe. i’ve felt outraged, saddened, angered, shocked. i’ve also been reading and crying and listening and discussing, trying to comprehend everything that’s going on.

looking back again this week . . .

only a couple of months have passed since i wrote the words below, but it already seems a lifetime ago. so much has changed, and in so many ways.
 
 
march 16 (from my facebook post, lockdown in italy day 7):

this magnolia in the secret garden has struggled.

not exactly sure what to call it
pause, gap, hesitation, hiatus, sigh
but i’ve been at a bit of a standstill

truthfully i have been stumbling along
which means there have been no blog posts
for a long long while

i have, however, been sharing my thoughts on social media
every day since the official lockdown in italy began
today is day 66, day 88 for me personally
since i’d already been quarantined inside
with a bad case of shingles

my emotions have been all over the place
up, down, and everywhere in between
as i’ve lived my own experience
watched and read, been confused by, the news
and witnessed the reactions of others

so i decided to begin sharing
some of my previously-recorded-thoughts
here on my blog over the next few weeks
my small individual glimpse of the pandemic
primarily in italy, but around the world too

and from there, who knows?

Today, as I continue preparing for my fifth retreat at Villa Magnolia in May, I’d like to share something with you. Beautiful words written by my amazing retreat family, the inspiring and courageous women who attended the first four magical sessions of THE ARRIVAL in Italy .

Mark your calendars and get your passports ready
for another magical retreat-no-more experience in Tuscany!

MAY 24-29, 2020

 
 
Yes, it’s that time again . . . time for THE ARRIVAL #5 in Italy!

Let me take a few minutes today to tell you a little about the WHY behind my retreat .

i take one step
it feels tentative, scary

but i stay there
i wait, i breathe
i’m okay
 
 
i walk another step
it feels a tiny bit easier

i straighten my spine
i wait, i breathe
i’m okay
 
 
i risk a third step
it feels stronger, bolder

i smile a small smile
i wait, i breathe
i’m okay
 
 
i take a fourth and final step
and it feels expansive

now i know
i don’t need to wait any longer
i’m breathing deeply

i’ll be okay
 
 
“life dances and you must dance with it.”
~phillip moffitt
 
 
 
 

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announcing my 2020 word of the year . . .

RHYTHM

(as in, getting mine back ?)

i decided to create a collage, with pictures of myself that bring up memories of feeling happy, in sync, full of energy. that exude my natural RHYTHM.

did you celebrate new year’s eve, welcoming in 2020?
 
 
the last day of 2019 was kinda crazy for me:

• i went through a box labeled “mommy’s treasures” and cried (because it was MY mom who wrote that on the lid)
• i packed to return to italy
• i tripped backwards over a lawnmower in the dark garage .

I am made of a clean warm room with freshly laundered sheets and fluffy hotel towels. I am made of the most-welcome hot mug, cat greetings, my daily agenda and playful self-awareness, of procrastination and my vivacious momma.

snippets of my italian life, the november edition . . .
 
 

as my hand slid across its very old surface, the stone fireplace in the tower transmitted its strength and serenity to me.
 
 

one of loris jacopo bonini’s poems.

what do you do when someone makes an offhand remark to you that seems rude, maybe slightly negative?

do you overthink it, even when you know that wasn’t its intended purpose? do you replay the comment over and over in your mind, getting caught up in that cycle?

i had a conversation with a friend on tuesday about the grief journey, especially about how getting out and being with other people really helps. it definitely helped me that day, with her.

however, i do believe that the hibernation i’ve felt drawn to over the past couple of months, the chance to be truly alone with my thoughts and my feelings, has also served a purpose.

“?????????? ?? ??? ???????? ??? ??????.
?????????? ??????.”

.???? ???????.

i’ve noticed that every time i write a blog post related to my grief journey, one or two people opt out of my mailing list. that’s okay. i can’t say i blame them.

i’m currently creating a collage (in an art therapy course i’m enrolled in) about my identity as a helping professional. as i proceed through the steps of this assignment . . . thinking about my particular strengths as a coach/counselor, the challenges i face in my practice, my approach and my style, the values i incorporate and the goals i work towards, the 25+ years of experience that have shaped my career .

from the pages of my journal ~ august 15, 2019

yesterday evening was the most difficult so far. beginning the dismantling of the life my parents built. going through their things felt intrinsically painful. i cried the entire time. i was all alone and there was a thunderstorm raging outside, so it was poetically dark with jags of lightning and crashing booms.

T H E . F A C E . O F . G R I E F

i thought i was ready
but i’m not

to share more about the reality
of having now lost both parents

to start unraveling some of
grief’s sticking points

i thought i was ready
but i’m not

to connect the dots to a new life
without my solid foundation

to begin making sense out of
this overwhelming emptiness

i thought i was ready
but i’m not

not yet focused or coherent enough
to lace the pieces together
forming one cohesive creation

filling in the many spaces and gaps
emerges as my personal therapy
in the coming months

i thought i was ready
but i’m not

heading into autumn with a
surprisingly different mission
than anticipated

the task of disentangling
my grief story
 
 
 
 

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THE ARRIVAL #4 ended last friday, june 21. and it was truly magical.
 
 
magical yes, but certainly NOT perfect. we had a few shall-we-say surprises:

• two days before the retreat began, my computer crashed and i lost ALL of my files!

some of you may have noticed
(though i suspect most did not)
that there were no studio notes last week

i was having lots of fun
with friends visiting from the states
and sometimes that bumps responsibility

i’ve written these posts lovingly, honestly
loyally every-thursday-but-two
since september 2012

i’ve come to the conclusion (in large part
due to the very humbling experience
of moving to a foreign country

and feeling ignorant quite often)
that for perhaps the first time in my life
i have very little to say

it’s perfectly okay though
because sometimes the words simply aren’t there
this is my “no words” season

i want my posts to be valuable
possibly edifying, worth your time
and the flow just isn’t there

so i’ve decided to go to a once-a-month
blogging format for now, for awhile
at least for the summer

until i decide otherwise
always keeping in mind that
it’s good to remain flexible

i graduated with a masters degree in counseling
when my oldest son was just two (he’s 26 now)
i’ve counseled, i’ve coached, i’ve lived

and you know what i’ve discovered?

we all have struggles that keep us up at night,
things that prevent us from dreaming.

maybe you’re good at keeping your
personal battles hidden, as well as
the fear that might accompany them.

sometimes though, the pain festers
until it becomes quite personal.

LULL

verb
1.
calm or send to sleep, typically with soothing sounds or movements
synonyms: soothe, quiet, hush, lullaby

noun
2.
a temporary interval of quiet or lack of activity
synonyms: pause, respite, interval, break, hiatus, suspension, cessation, interlude, intermission, breathing space, moratorium, lacuna
 

 
there’s been a lull
in my life lately
a lack of activity
an absence of motion

a pause, a respite
an interlude
a hiatus, a lacuna
(wait – what’s a lacuna?)

after a mini-panic of
not getting things done
projects not attended to
my daily routine halted

i decided to begin anew
(the exact words from my journal)
on monday, april 1
what could be better?

what is mindful eating?

 
mindful eating is
paying close attention while we eat,
being fully aware of the experience.

though actually a simple idea,
it’s not always easy to do.

taking the time to slow down,
to fully taste and savor food
while not passing judgment on ourselves,
can be difficult for some.

pain leads to knowledge
loneliness to reflection

how do we twist ourselves
round to the light?

fear leads to resilience
anguish to solace

how do we twist ourselves
round to the light?

when we’re hurting,
all alone
when we’re scared,
filled with sorrow

how do we twist ourselves
round to the light?

36-hour whirlwind trip to the
excitingly alluring
breathtakingly enchanting
historically enticing

ROMA!

❤️???

we left villa magnolia at noon last wednesday,
and arrived back home just after midnight friday morning.

my first negroni and some delicious gelato,
the spanish steps with very few tourists,
a vivaldi violin concert in a beautiful church.

tranquility in tellaro . . .

caffè and cat comfort.
sea and sunset serenity.
 
 
lucky finds in la spezia . . .

mirror and marble elegance for the entrance hall.
crystal chandelier illumination for the library.
 
 
sushi in sarzana .

sometimes you work on something
for a very long time.
for hours or days or months,
even years.

and you make a bit of progress,
you have a few small wins.
you gain just enough from your struggles
to keep going.

one day in december,
nicholas and eric and i
took a scenic drive.

the sun reminding us
that all was well.

 
 
*******
 
 

my june retreat is FULL!
and my may retreat is filling!

there are still a few spots available,
if you act NOW .

a new year is just around the corner,
and thoughts often focus on intentions.
before you plan, before you dream,
commit to engaging in an emotional evaluation.

yes, the process can be uncomfortable.
you have to face and assess
whatever emotions are currently
dominating your time and energy.

although i’ve been wanting to check in
about my 2018 word of the year,
i’ve pondered the best way to do so.
because my WOTY venture could honestly
be seen by some as a bit of a failure.

the last two years
have been so life-changing,
so startlingly difficult-and-different,
that i’ve spent a lotta lotta lotta
time in self-reflection.

 
 
yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. (who’s familiar with the wonderful children’s book with those words in its title?)

i thought about telling you all about it, even wrote it all out. but then i decided against sharing it, after reading (and weeping) about a family my niece knows who unexpectedly lost their 12-year-old son this month.

this and that around the villa . . . observations, sparks, discoveries:
 

1. DISBELIEF – despite paying extremely-high monthly health insurance premiums, our plan in the states did not cover prescription drugs. two years ago i was paying close to $300 for my daily asthma inhaler (about a 2-month supply for me).

1. i breathe. deeply, slowly, fully.
2. i write. volumes and volumes of journal pages.
3. i practice. daily qi gong, gentle yet vital, moving meditation.
4. i dance. around my studio, to upbeat pop rock favorites.
5. i read. inspirational uplifting words, escape fiction too.

some days you want to clarify
illustrate fix and explain
a million and one things
for those who doubt and dismay

you want them to get it
to understand
to get you
to really see you

not sure why
because they won’t
and it shouldn’t
even matter

every time you try connecting
with someone you strongly feel
should know you should like you
but really doesn’t who-knows-why

you feel you must tell them
every single detail
fill in every missing piece
keep trying to bridge that gap
convince them

you’re often disappointed
but you rarely learn your lesson
you usually try again

maybe that’s okay though
maybe it means you haven’t lost
faith in the human race

in the kindness and potential depth
of people reaching out
sharing their stories
sharing their lives

maybe someday you’ll know to
only focus on the right ones
to realize that labels given
don’t always mean people behave as such

once-in-awhile noting too
your own reaction to others
how maybe you respond similarly

words tinged with anger jealousy
and fear more often than you admit
even alone and to yourself

how to change the world
perhaps you will agree
it never hurts to concentrate
on being open light and free

 
 
 
 

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sometimes it’s important to confront,
to speak out.
it’s important to deal with pressing issues,
and mindfully set out to resolve our problems.

to wear bold colors
and begin the dialogue.

 
 
other times it’s necessary to cocoon,
to sit with things.

i am involved in something very special . . . a lovely women’s facebook group that i created in january 2017 and continue to moderate. (some of you reading this today are already members – thank you!)

the group began with a complimentary course that explored AWARENESS, my first essential element, and has evolved beautifully from there.

a few things you may or may not know about me

• i think tears are healing
• i am from a small mining town in northern idaho, usa
• i find the italian language both beautiful and frustrating
• i am an enthusiastic list maker
• i wore a back brace for scoliosis in high school
• i am fascinated with psychology and human behavior
• i miss driving, especially my red mini cooper
• i am a resident of paraguay
• i was a kelly girl in california
• i am a night owl, but prefer daylight over darkness
• i had an imaginary friend named trannie when i was little
• i was a dancing “golden girl” in college
• i have always been enamored with 1920s style, fashion, design
• i collect telephones and egg beaters
• i am a dual citizen, living in italy
• i am close to becoming a qi gong instructor
• i think emotions are messengers to the soul, amazing built-in barometers
• i used to build elaborate barbie houses
• i need paper and pen to survive
• i could drink coffee all day long
• i would say my seven bins of journals are my most prized possession
• i created elaborate make-believe lives as a child
• i need color and cats, books and boots, sunshine and sushi in my life

now .

one woman curled up on the sofa in the living room, with a blanket and a cup of coffee. another creating a vision board in the library. a third walking the path in the secret garden, exclaiming over the dates on the antique pottery.

august 15 is an important day in italy.
a widely celebrated national holiday called ferragosto.

introduced by the emperor augustus in 18 BC
and coinciding with a catholic holy day,
it’s considered the height of the italian summer.
kicking off what being “on holiday” is all about.

hey there! are you still hoping to capture some summer magic this year?
 
 
here are a few things you can do to make that happen:

• lean back in a comfortable deck chair and soak up the sun’s rays
• run through a sprinkler and allow your giggles to tumble out
• finish reading your pile of “beach escape” books
• enjoy a refreshing ice cream cone (maybe even two scoops)
• eat fresh tomatoes from the garden or the local market
• paint your fingernails and toenails in vibrant cheery colors
• pick a fresh bouquet of flowers for your table
• take a bike ride to a beautiful lake in your area and skip a few rocks

 
or maybe you should just skip all of the above and extend the magic this way:

• BOOK YOUR AIRLINE TICKET TO ITALY!

8 takeoffs.
8 landings.
with lots of stuff in between.

one piece of luggage still missing,
containing the items of my everyday life.

mixed-up circadian rhythms.
a bit of jet lag too.

joy and laughter, good times.
tears and worry, changes on the horizon.

“Interacting face to face to face
with different destinations.
Everybody keeps racing
in this fast-paced nation.
     I AM ALIVE IN Los Angeles

The neon crowns glow
above the City of Angels,
haze hovers after another
nuclear sunset, I love it all.

breathing.

that amazing built-in tool that reflects
or can even guide the way we feel.

our breaths often come in spasms when we’re crying,
quicken and shorten when we’re feeling stressed.

shallow breathing tends to limit our abilities,
both physically and mentally.

i never owned a kate spade handbag.
i never even watched one of anthony bourdain’s shows.
but i was well aware of both of them.
and suicide too has been well within my awareness.
 

 
when i was 15 years old, 40 long years ago,
i wrote a suicidal note of my own.

as i mentioned last week, i’ve been experiencing
an incredible high following my retreat.

lately it’s been a literal whirlwind
of spectacular events taking place.

because today i have even more exciting news to share . . .
 
 

 
 
my nationality was already half-italian,
but now i am officially an ITALIAN CITIZEN!!

i’ve been busy busy busy this week, preparing for my retreat participants.

on sunday, i will welcome three wonderful women who are flying to italy from the united states.

and a fourth wonderful woman (a local italian i’m calling my “day camper”) will also be joining us for the 11 hours of group coaching.

sometimes, when the stars align
and the overwhelm eases,
i feel as if i might just be
living in a fairy tale.

this life in italy,
this journey to another world.

that’s how i felt on monday, april 30,
celebrating the last day of my month.

for 6 days straight,
carve out a moment all to yourself.
with blank book and pen in hand,
begin writing.

write and write and write.

at least 15 minutes at a time,
but as long as your thoughts
keep tumbling onto the page.

“to be mindful is to be embodied.
pay attention to the body, and the mind enters the present moment.”

~from mindfulness through movement by lee holden

 
 
over the last 18 months, since i relocated to another continent, i’ve gone through quite an upheaval.

venture out.

cross the sea.

visit italy.

experience THE ARRIVAL.

expand your horizons.

change your life.

 
 
I’ve been talking a lot about all of the amazing things that are going to happen during my retreat.

“A room without books is like a body without a soul.”

~Marcus Tullius Cicero

Ever-aware of Cicero’s words, taking proper steps . . .

Inviting tangible soul, onto my shelves and into my life.

*******

 
 
my crazy-wonderful italian tale has been featured in INTERNATIONAL LIVING magazine!

At the beginning of February, I decided to join in with a few women in a Facebook group I belong to and celebrate the rites of Imbolc. Imbolc (also known as Candlemas or Saint Brigid’s Day) is a Gaelic traditional festival marking the midpoint of winter, halfway between the winter solstice and the spring equinox.

If you’re on social media, you may have seen the TWO INCREDIBLE BONUSES that were recently added to THE ARRIVAL retreat package. If you haven’t, then this important announcement is specifically for you (because I don’t want anyone to miss out on these fantastic Italian-experience opportunities)!

 
 
“I recently went through the loss of my only child. I struggle daily to live myself. A friend of mine hooked me up with April and essence7 and I decided to go to Italy. This was the best decision I have made for myself.

SAY YES TO YOURSELF and to
THE ARRIVAL, my 5-day retreat this May!

Retreat no more.
Choose to arrive.

Let me share the unfolding of EACH MAGICAL DAY at
Villa Magnolia, my home in Tuscany . .

guess what?
it’s time for another brand-new travel size course!
(and i’m offering it to you for FREE!)

i’ve been highlighting each of the 7 essential elements
from my signature online course, THE ARRIVAL.
one by one, each standing on its own.

how do i envision my ideal 2018?

flowing and fluid.
effortlessly smooth.
with an ease of expression.

i knew my word-of-the-year must not only guide me,
but also embody this feeling.

i considered several different words while engaging
in this much-awaited december ritual.

there was a different and interesting vibe at villa magnolia yesterday. people in and about throughout the day, transforming the living and dining rooms into a concert hall.

eric and i helped where we could, going about our regular daily routine when we weren’t needed.

THE ARRIVAL

TUSCANY, ITALY | MAY 20-25, 2018

Is it finally YOUR time?

 
 
In 6 months, you can say “YES” and join me for an enchanting retreat-no-more experience at Villa Magnolia! I will be breaking down and exploring the idea behind THE ARRIVAL, bit by bit, over the next few months (so that you can decide if a ticket to Tuscany is EXACTLY what you need right now).

chilly villa
gladiolas
the curve of a cat’s tail
detox

pending citizenship
first mountaintop snow
tech problems
first quinoa

soul-searching
the sting of bitterness
wild thunderstorm
isolation and frustration

italian verbs
a medical emergency
regretful fear
dependence

exceptional humans
cozy comfort
moving meditation
breakthroughs
 
 
what mental images emerge for you when recalling your week?

well, saturday will mark a year that i’ve lived in italy! amazing challenges. unbelievable growth. it seems like the time’s gone quickly, yet it also seems like forever. a lifetime of unparalleled jubilation and disorienting bewilderment, in just twelve months.

so after being here a full year, i should probably be able to speak italian (perhaps even be fluent).

4 years ago, on october 11, 2013.
in besano and induno olona, italy.

with a few of my italian cousins.
discovering my roots.
 
 

the home where my grandma was born and raised.
now a pharmacy.
 
 

the hotel where we stayed.

do you crave an existence in a more expansive world?
do you wish to create a magical life for yourself?

ACT.

do you have a secret desire, a yearning, a hunger?
for a stronger voice, for adventurous travel, for better relationships?

what is there to say,
when it’s all been said before?

maybe just that i am here,
in a new place, learning to navigate.
but dealing with similar struggles,
and with similar joys to celebrate.

we’re all different, it is true,
with our unique habits and notions.

i grew up in kellogg, idaho, a small mining town in the northern panhandle of the state. i moved away when i was 18 years old, visiting now and then over the next many years. in the spring of 2013, i moved back to my hometown until my relocation to italy last october.

our expectations are not always our reality, are they? after only 10 months away, i wasn’t expecting to experience much difference upon reentry. but many factors have been at play in the past few days, combining to create a strangeness i can’t really define as anything other than reverse culture shock:

• missed flights and jet lag
• new friends, gained through airport hassles
• one night in london, a whirlwind tour
• “collateral beauty,” a film that received no accolades but touched me deeply
• my dad’s prepared gift from italy, two vacuum-packed salamis, confiscated by u.s.

It is time once again for THE ARRIVAL. I am formally inviting you, the woman with the intrepid soul, to join me in Tuscany this October. And I sincerely hope you will accept my invitation.

Why? Because I want you to stop imagining your best life, and begin living it instead.

last week i wrote these words:

yes, i am reawakening parts of myself formerly dormant or untouched.
but i’ve also had to temporarily shut down a few parts i still need,
out of necessity during this complete upheaval.
the rest of the year will be dedicated to reviving those areas.

what can i even say?

although i didn’t find the time to jot down all of the daily details,
last month was overflowing with a mixture of wonder, light, and love.

oh my goodness, what goodness!

i wrote these still-true words last year, on june 1, 2016:

life is always surprising us, with that unusual mixture of heartache and joy.

 
 
*******
 
 
click to receive my studio notes in your inbox each week.
(and receive my first travel size course, AWARENESS #1, as my complimentary gift to you!)
 
 
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when i’m feeling weary,
clear through to my core.
when my mind can’t think another thought,
when my body screams no more.

so many roads traveled,
yet still so far to go.
under the moon’s illuminating,
gently-guiding glow.

i look up at the moon,
and the moon looks back at me.

5 things i know about pursuing a dream:

1.  it takes a long long time.
2.  it’s a lot of very hard work.
3. there are many many setbacks.
4. sometimes it seems certain it will never come to pass.
5. knowing (finally) that it is actually about to happen makes #1-4 totally worthwhile.

what does it really and truly mean . . .

1) to be mindful?
2) to live in the present?
3) to not dwell in the past?
4) to not worry about the future?
5) to revel in the moment?
 
 
well, when you are in a foreign-to-you country, in the midst of .